11.04.13
''The thoughts in my head make me wonder about my sanity, but I can't stop them coming.''
There's something crazy in the air, for sure.
I cut my hair.
I've felt very off balance the last few days, I've felt as if I'm going mad; not quite myself, very lost, and feeling very alone in these feelings. I've felt anxious all day today, unable to quieten my mind or feel any kind of peace within it. I have felt quite run down too, which hasn't helped, but I've not felt like this in a long time, in fact, if ever. It's been a very strange feeling, like it's something in the air. The air itself feels so polluted, like I'm breathing in unclean air, it feels dusty, noisy, dirty, foggy, smoggy. The weather is being weird too. It;s April, and it's still cold, and there aren't any buds flowering from the trees yet.
Where is nature? Is she still sleeping?
Where is woman? Is she still hiding?
When nature seems missing, woman is lost, and when woman is lost, it seems that all kinds of crazies break loose. There's definitely a crazy vibe in the air, I can taste it.
I cut my hair yesterday, it felt great, I felt less heavy, free of weight.
Today I cut off a little more, then a little more, and then I began to see where this little game could lead, and somewhere in my gut of instincts, I knew I didn't want to go there, so I quit before it got ahead.
I felt uneasy for the rest of the day, walking down the street I felt completely lost, verging down the throat of the demented and the deranged, I felt unsafe, paranoid. I wanted to scream, to cackle, to jump around lunatically and chant some kind of healing obscenities.
I wonder what women did with these feelings of oddness and alone/aloofness years and years ago when we were more in tune with the earth and nature's cycles?
I tell you what they did, they danced around fires as naked and free as the day they were born, expressing and sharing their inner ''lunacies'' together; embracing their wildish natures and creating art out of pent up energies.
These days, we repress it, we shun it, we swallow it down and feed it with man-made garbage; media, materialism, junk food, drugs, alcohol, even sex, of the mindless kind - and then when all this doesn't seem to satisfy, we suffer alone in silence thinking we're the only ones who have 'crazy' thoughts.
Well, I don't think we are alone, infact, I think the very opposite.
I met with my mum today, and at first I spoke nothing of the anxieties I was feeling, I didn't want to worry her and so I swallowed the feelings down and painted on my best smile, in hope that they would go away. But then just before we went to head our separate ways, she said something that rung very true with me, that she'd been feeling slightly odd and off balance all week, that she hadn't been feeling herself at all, I said I'd been feeling the same too, and we both confessed to our own strange crazy characteristics of the week.
I was shocked and suddenly relieved. I didn't feel so alone anymore, and we both laughed at our seeming craziness. I felt so much better for having just spoken about it to someone, and also comforted that I could talk about it with my own mum.
As I made my way home, I took the long way through town and sped up my pace, even though I still felt quite drained, I had some of that pent up energy making her way through, and I felt like walking it off whilst I wandered through my thoughts. I looked up at the sky; the bleak, bleak sky, and the naked sleeping trees.
''Where is nature?'' I asked myself. ''Why is she still sleeping?''
Maybe she's not sleeping, maybe she's hiding, like us, like us many women who sometimes feel so alone and ashamed of our 'craziness' or rather, expanding creativeness.
I don't think we should be hiding anymore.
I don't think we should be silent anymore.
The more we hide behind our silence, the more that nature will retract into hers, for she needs us as much as we need her. Where are you girls? Where are you?
Ever feel like you're cursed?
Ever feel like you're being chased; that someone or something is out there to get you?
So do I.
''..I think someone wants to kill me.''
It's a feeling I've had for a long time, and it's one I plan to eliminate, or atleast to slowly try to sweep out of my psyche. This feeling is one that stems from fear, a fear that's been wedged into us from a very early age in our lives - one to silence us, to keep us meek and make us weak, and one that will eventually - if we do not become conscious of it - drown out our fire.
The more that we are silent, the more ammunition we give to this fear, and the more it will destroy us.
As soon as we stand up to this fear, as soon as we face it, head on, looking at it right in the face, in its seething eyes, only then will we be able to discover its reasons, to reveal and understand the roots of its causes. To delve into those experiences that shattered our confidence and independence; that darkened our spark, those things that happened to us that still leave tear stained marks on our pillows, to prize open the unknown box of worms and blood and skulls, is to get to know the side of yourself that you fear the most, and this is the side of yourself that has the most power, and that is why we must become its friend.
You have the key, all that is stopping you from using it, is fear.
It's time to make a new friend, it's time to build a new fire.
It's time to speak up sisters, nature needs us, now more than ever.
Ever wonder what it feels like to howl at the moon?
Try it, it's a good feeling.
x
Nature needs us, nature needs you.
There's a lot more than just worms and blood and skulls in the box.
I am not crazy, I'm just a little lost.
