Morning Bell. (Whore in Motion).

17.10.14. (17.35)

Morning Bell.

Today I am to see the Doctor,

because I am tired and I am not well.

‘What is wrong with me?’ she said,

‘What is wrong with me?’

Am I dead?

‘’I’m not here, 

this isn’t happening..’’

Why am I always so tired?

Why are my periods so irregular?

And why are they always, so late?

(Stress? Worry? - Yes.)

I must stop worrying so much.

Everything is ok.

_____

(..the colours lye behind her eyes..)

Needless to say,

she is still alive.

She is still alive.

‘’Morning bell, morning bell.’’

https://soundcloud.com/wuther/whore-in-motion

Home

When your heart longs for something or someone so much - a same something or someone that is damaging to soul, spirit and psyche - it begins to eat at your very core, depleting every cell, every nerve, every intricate line of tissue in your beating, breathing body, until you find yourself in a darkened hole, from which you can find no way out.

It is only when we begin to change our outlook, our perceptions, and make that very first step towards finding our own way out; we find that it is in that hole where we come upon our light - our treasure - our gold. 

Everything we search for in life, everything we want, everything we desire, is buried somewhere, and, most of the time, we never find it, still we go on searching, for that something or that someone, and still, we never find it, still, we never find them, because what we are searching for, is buried within ourselves.

It takes time, and it takes guts to go searching in dark places, 

very, very dark places.

It takes courage and it takes strength to go searching in these places alone, 

where no one else has been, where no one else will go.

But, when we do, we take that very first step into healing our soul, our spirit, and our psyche - 

we start the search of retrieving our buried diamond; 

our light - our treasure - our gold.

We are making the steps through dirt and through dust,

guided by our instincts,

scents awakening, spirit lightening, and psyche strengthening.

There is no turning back now,

we are making our way back home.

''…and I thank you, for bringing me here, 
for showing me home, for singing these tears.

Finally I found that I, 
belong here.''

x

Lucy

I AM EVERYWHERE

'Lucy' - Luc Besson

Cycling around Madrid just over a week ago, the poster for this film showed up almost everywhere I went. 'I should go see that film,' I thought to myself, 'It looks like a good one.'

Scarlett Johansson's face and eyes popped out at me at almost every turn I made.

I guessed the film may have been about vampires, or zombies, from her inhumanly sharp, piercing eyes that stared out at me, but as I got around to reading about it on returning home last weekend, I found myself to be wrong.

I went to see the film yesterday. The story is based around the notion that we humans only use are mere 10% of our brains capacity, and a young woman named Lucy (Johansson) soon comes to learn, by a dark accident, what happens to us when we are able to use more of our brains functioning abilities. Starting with 15% and climactically leading up to 100%.

I don't want to give much more of the film away, as I went to go see the film not knowing much about it, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. But here, I will share my thoughts, and so if you haven't seen the film yet, and you would like to, then please feel free to stop reading now.

The film woke me up. It made me question things and it made me think.

It made me once again take a different outlook on life as it is now, in 2014..and I found myself feeling lucky to be alive in these times of change and growth.

It put forth into my consciousness thoughts and feelings about life and why we are here, thoughts and feelings I find myself constantly thinking about, but not speaking about, and, more often that not, followed by waves of guilt and anxiety. 

This film pulled at and reassured a very deep and ancient core within me, (a feeling that I have felt since I was a young child), that I am here for a reason.

WE ARE ALL HERE FOR A REASON.

It inspired a passion within me to once again ignite, and to once again catch fire.

It made me eager to get home and play my music; to practise and to practise and to practise.

I felt motivated to look after myself. To spend more time in nature and less time on the computer.

To excercise and to eat well (this, I think, more coming from my recent trip away than the actual film, but still igniting these feelings.)

Going to the cinema yesterday, after being away for 4 weeks living in a van, with no access to a phone, computers or any form of technology, has made me realise that I only need to partake in these types of things every once in a while to fully appreciate them.

As the film started to play on the big screen and I sat comfortably in my seat munching away slowly on squares of dark chocolate, I felt mesmerised. It was as if I'd never been to the cinema before and this was my first time. It was great.

I was gripped to the film from start to finish, it wasn't too long and it held and shared some deep and important messages for me. Most based on facts, and some not.

The films assumption that we only use 10% of our brains capacity, I think, is aimed at how passive and asleep we as humans have now become at being able to discover our true potential(s).

''We are making use of only a small part of our possible mental and physical resources.''

Of course, we do use more of our brains than 10%..''we use virtually every part of the brain, and that (most of) the brain is active almost all the time.'' *

''…out of all the brains cells, only 10% are neurones, the other 90% are glial cells, which encapsulate and support neurones, but whose function remains largely unknown.

Ultimately, it's not that we use 10% of our brains, merely that we only understand about 10% of how it functions.''**

The film covers issues around time, technology and being. Around humans, nature, evolution and our possible potential as a society to change and to grow.

Morgan Freeman's charchter in this film (Professor Norman), questions what would happen if human beings were able to use more of just 10% of our brains function, with the help of a drug named (in the film) CPH4, found only in women six weeks into their pregnancy.

Johansson, the accidental guinea pig, becomes, as her percentage rises and rises, more alert, mentally and physically stronger - able to fight herself out of dangerous situations with remarkable speed.

And, as her percentage increases, so does her knowledge, about..everything.

She becomes telepathic and able to see into the past and future.

She has an alarming self-knowing of life and all things and being, yet, with these attributes comes the loss of the basic human qualities - fear, desire, and attachment.

Could we live in a world without these qualities? All of which, you could say, have brought us to both a frightening yet amazing time to be living in.

I think, it is how we have chosen to use/abuse these qualities of our human nature that may have brought us to where we are now, and it is now that we should question them..isn't it?

Are we capable of doing more for ourselves? Of learning more?

To take control and to take prudence when doing so, when and where it matters most.

Are we waking up yet? Have we woken up yet?

Have you woken up yet?

Have you seen Lucy yet?..

..and so, 

she spent the rest of the afternoon chewing over her destiny..

and who knew what that would involve?…

x

Crazy Horse

She could have rode her black horse if she wanted

but she just lose direction..

she lose direction..

'If she bears a scar, which she must

then..

where is she?  (my soul

where is she?)

She 'smiles tiredly. Her hair disheveled, and her socks don't match. they have wrapped her forehead with bandages, and a colourless fluid drips..'

..drips

drips

drips.

And so now does she finally fall,

asleep.

Asleep. Asleep.

I know what women are like

and I know what they are capable of,

because I am one.

She could have rode her black horse if she want

but she just lose direction.

(She just lose direction.)

Scars (Battle Scars)

''..so curious to think that this shy, softly spoken woman (creature), is responsible for such wild, ferocious antics..''

'..but then, struggle is something she is comfortable with, it's where she feels at home..

'It's great being a woman, I love being a woman,' 

she says quietly, 

'It's fun to have more to fight for.'

She is intimate,

intimately scarred,

intimately beautiful..

(How good it feels to write,

how good it feels to breathe,

how good it feels to live,

and to love),

To live, and to love

amongst waves of fear, shards of guilt

and mirrors of pain.

Pain in the heart, pain in the gut

pain in my fire.

And as I open up to this pain,

as I come to feel it; to breathe within it,

I begin to heal it

and to know it, to grow into it,

and with it.

And so then, I overcome it, riding it

and sliding, sweetly

into joy, into happiness, into peace.

Life, to me

isn't worth living without pain,

for it is in such pain,

and in such darkness,

where we come to find our inner light,

our diamond..

our diamond light.

Inner flight, inner fight, inner light.

To live, to love,

to feel, to breathe.

To become one with life, with pain

and peace.

*

And as I walk through the isles

of the many in pain

(sunlight upon my lips, 

I taste her in the rain).

I forego so many ways, so many changes,

in so many days, 

and I lose my way, 

time and time again,

but the stars 

they still remain,

and the moon, she remembers my name.

And it is within this remembrance, where I recall

that place from where I truly came.

And I realise that of which,

I am not

the same.

I am not the same.

'A soul in pain,

has no image to reclaim.'

With tiny feet, and a fragile frame.

I am all that God gave to me.

But I am not the same, as He.

For I am woman.

And my body and my soul bare scars,

many, many scars;

(Battle Scars)

'It crossed my mind to lye them face up,

in the hope that he would see the flowers, 

in the hope that he would somehow notice.

But I kew he wouldn't, 

and never would,

and so I left the flowers alone, 

I left the flowers be.'

'No one ever noticed' - so why are you so loved?

'No one ever cared' - so why are you so special?

'No one ever listened' - so how is it that I hear you, and you hear me?

Everything feeds into everything.

In silence and in stillness,

everything feeds, and everything sleeps.

In silence and in stillness

there is life, an abundance of ever-changing 

rhythms and cycles,

where we are loved, held

and nurtured,

even when we think it not.

Nurtured by nature; 

our Mother the wind.

And so I drank 

and so I drink,

from nature's water, from nature's milk.

And I think,

Yeah, it's great being a woman,

I love being a woman.

I like having more to fight for.

Of a Body

''..a beautiful enigma: she is herself an unknown tale,''

I never knew what it was that haunted me,

until I tasted the fullness of my heart.

The severity of my tears,

unleashing me into a new cycle.

(I always knew that I be cursed, 

from a very young age.

I always knew that I would be a woman - 

coming of age
into her own blood.

The deeper, the redder, the better.)

I like the taste,

and I like the dark.

For it is in that darkness

and within those deep, red seas,

that I come upon the strength

within me,

to stand alone

as a light that shines

even in the blackest of blacks, 
and the reddest of reds.

No matter how far I go,

no matter how lost I be,

I always find my way, and I shine

 just that little bit brighter 

every time.

''Everyone has to find their own way.''

*

And eventually she came to find her legs

under the garden;

of bones and dirt 
and of a body

discarded.

Nothing left but tortured memories

(rose petals scattered in the sink)

Dismantled, fragmented -

little pieces of nature's flesh.

Nothing but bones and blood, 
of a body

left to rust,

turning to dust,

turning to dust.

Through wages of time,

disregarded and

unloved.

I never give up.

I never give up.

(feet in mud,

she never gives up.)

x

Weaving Women

''..the night is dark, and the way is very long; just the right conditions needed for development of one's original and precious gifts.'' *


Last night I dreamt of waters, of waters deep, waters of the sea, 
and I was flying, flying toward a small half moon in a cream, vanilla pinkened sky.
(A wanting from the heart, beneath rivers, so dark).

I followed these waters, but I became afraid as I found myself flowing deeper into their currents,
(I want to not be afraid any more)
and as I followed, I found myself in a factory, where the fresh waters of the deep were being packaged
in plastic bottles, to then eventually be sold.
(There is a blockage in the river)
A man and a woman were there too, both smiling in approval of the systemic packaging of these waters from the deep..

______

And the water gushed everywhere,
and she never told a soul.
'Cos the wild water contained wild blood,
and the wild blood was sacred,
and only vented itself through the five senses.
The sixth one being a secret,
a secret contained only within woman.
But this secret has been tainted,
tainted with poisonous venom,
and has been violently misused over the centuries..

Women, it's time to take our power back.

It is now time to reclaim the wild waters as our own -

and our wild blood, that runs

through each and every one of us..

*

(Making space. Making waves)

Swimming with 'dem ghosts,

who live beneath the waves.

(Making space. Making waves)

Making way for a Diety,

who lives beneath the waves..

''She is poor, breathtakingly beautiful, but rich in soul and spirit.'' *

She is the Wild spirit, that lives within all of us..

and so,
in she dipped her dainty toes,
unto the river in the valley where no one goes,
touching on truths both harsh and rational..
and up until now, have lain
untold.

'And one day, I shall die,' she thought,
'I am no princess at all, I have been but a ghost, to myself,
and to all women.'

Dare to go deeper, dare to dig a little deeper,
and to swim a little further..
do not be afraid to exert yourself,
for the wild will always be there with you, always,
and she will always return, no matter how far she is driven away.

''...from beauty to heightened beauty, from deeper to ever deeper meaning.''

To the charge and the charms of your own existence.
From the waters to the river.

Weaving through sludge,

weaving through mud.

Searching for my Animus..

I shall never give up,

(She never gives up..)

Weaving Women, we never give up

This tide is just rough.

* 'Women Who Run With the Wolves' - Clarissa Pinkola Estes)

Release

They say we love in different ways..


The one who watches, like an eagle
eyes defined, by nothing but presence - 
piercing, sharp
and wistful.
Energetic flames, riding through armoured veins,
trustful, compact..
(witty).

'I will never look back,' she says
'I will never look back.
Not with this amount of love held deep, within these sacred veins
of mine.'

*

It is the blood of the earth, that has shed her tail,
not mine.
It is the salt of the waves, that leaves its trace,
upon long, twisted, tortured vines.

''We need only look into and learn from those soulful eyes 
that are 'wild and wise and loving.' '' *

And indeed, we have made her tender bones frail, 
and unable.
But she is not dead,
for the wild spirit..she never dies.

For she is part of life - 
timeless, ageless,
and of that, we do not know why.

But we have lost the ability to speak our own truths.

I thought she had forgotten about me,
but she was always here,
always with me,
even when I had forgotten myself.


He who runs...

he runs in hope of finding the woman of his dreams,
but then runs away, the moment he thinks he has found her.
Now, never a day doth go by
when he doesn't think about her..
'I shall run again,' he says,
to his people who live beneath 'dem waves.
'Aye, indeed, I shall run again.
No matter which path, no matter which way.'

Aye, indeed, one day, he shall run again.

*

She who walks...

but finds she can't do this no more, and she shan't do this no more.
No more to be a slave to her now unrecognisable self.

Turn the page lady,
and ride the wave.
Can't you hear him coming?
Can't you see him running?
Don't force him away lady.
Don't push him away.
Stop punishing yourself.

'I shall walk no more, walk no more,
for I dance now, for I dance now.
I walk no more.
I walk no more.'

Dance now, dear lady.
You dance, you dance, you dance.
Such a beautiful dance.

Now dance your way, toward the running man.

*

And they shall meet again at the crossroads - 
a time for letting go
of 'dem withered, rusty bones.

Sometimes, belief in a little bit of madness
helps to keep us sane.


''Perhaps one is afraid,
for the waters are deep..'' *

...they make diamonds with their waves.

*'Women who run with the wolves' - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Salient Rose

''She is that within nature which is not known, which is quite possibly unknowable and so provides no certainty. She may express a sense of potential, but with a complete lack of promise. She is the mystery we long for and the emptiness we fear losing ourselves within.'' *

I just want the cruel, with the wind upon my wing.

'Cruel, be cruel to me.'

She acts this way in order to find herself; in order to find her truest self.

'Becoming someone else, in order to know who I really am.

Pushing my boundaries, within and around me.'

*

'You and your Roses,

crawling with me. Calling,

calling..

''Did you find peace there?''

'It is peace that I am afraid of.'

''There is nothing to be afraid of.''

And poking through in the distance, were her eyes - 

a delicate shade of green and red,

amongst thorns, amongst webs.

And then she appeared, as Roses do

- sharp, and rusty

as if decaying on the inside.

And she danced along to the fiddle,

in tune with the rhythm, and in tune with the stars.

And as sure as deep, as the hidden moon,

remembering all, that shame can bring;

she knew to never stop dancing..

No, she will never stop dancing.

*

And she loved again, and she stole his heart...

''Remembering all that she could bring.''

'I loved his face, I loved all and everything,

within and around him,

but he bore me pain, and he bore me suffering.

And he stole my heart..

He killed me.'

*

We tread so near,

and yet we breathe so cold.

Now bottled in a jar;

inescapable.

''..in order to lose myself

in absolute reflection.''

*'Kissing the Hag - Emma Restall Orr