Fallen.

As the mind dwells passive
into lucid lakes,
forget not the madness
that merged harm's way

but the sanity of beings
who forever dismayed,
the soul in your heartbeat;

of that they betrayed.

*

And if you cover your eyes
with pigments of grey,
you'll smoother your heartbeat
and fall
in dismay

..but I've never gone deeper

as deeper as this

fallen so gently,

into her petal kiss.

Her True Nature.

New life can always be found when things fall apart.
Always.

*

The biggest thing ever to be feared - and yet at the same time - desired,
is the truth of a woman's heart;

the truth of the Feminine;

the deep, dark rooting of the earth.

* 

Poisoned by fear, discarded by ignorance, and abused
by lack of faith,

she becomes lost within us, 
around us, and among us.

*

RESPECT is something she deserves.

REASSURANCE is something she needs.

CHANGE is inevitable.

POWER is within her.

and it is her power that we are afraid of,
her creative power..her sexual power...

*

Creative energy is boundless, connected to all and everything.
Creative energy and sexual energy are the same,
direct it wisely.

Honor that space within you,
speak up for yourself,
know your power and know your worth.

In silence and in solitude comes clarity.

*

I've seen the unsunken
blessed,

the afraid,
changed.

(She is the Queen)

be not afraid,
be not afraid

her humbleness is grave.

x

Woman (Queen of Heaven)

And all that ripples will fall,

she found her way back to heaven.

Never gonna stop now,

Never gonna die.

And all that time

she was wondering - (worrying)

why?

The answer lies in you,

my child,

only you know yourself

Only you can change your reality,

only you know the truth,

your own truth.

*

The Nature of her way

the nature of her ways;

a mystery.

She is a mystery

even to herself.

*

I go alone, always

I go alone

For I am woman,

and I hurt

Yes, 

I am woman,

and I bleed.

*

Queen of love

Queen of Heaven.

I am Woman

Acid. (pt. 1).

Coiled hands and curling toes, wrapped around blankets and sleeping bags of which I've lain in for, I don't know how long..an hour? two hours? the whole night?

In a cold and dampened tent, I lye, 

(awake? asleep?)

and I go backwards in time over the last five days, 

slipping in and out of consciousness, afraid to close my eyes, 

afraid to open them. 

''I get it now,'' I think to myself,

 ''It was all just a dream, and it all makes sense now..doesn't it?''

But I soon come to realise, right there and then, that I am lost, 

and I have forgotten where and who I am, completely.

And then I remember, it's not a dream, it's a nightmare.

It was my nightmare, 

my worst nightmare.

 I had lost my mind, I had gone mad, like, properly mad. 

I had fallen down a darkened hole, just like Alice did, 

except in this hole, there were no rabbits, no mad but friendly hatters, no signs of nature being nice..

just me, my mind and I..lost, in the darkness.

Would I ever make it back?

Shambala Festival, August 2012

Acid is a drug I had never given much thought to. I'd taken it once - half a tab - after a psy-trance party in Sheffield about a year before, and another time, a year before that, in a similar situation, but I'd never really felt the effects, not properly. I'd been too tired after partying for hours and a lack of sleep had left me drained of any energy to be bothered to think or even move. Both of these times I'd slept it off, and if anything the drug had just relaxed me and helped me to sleep, (after firstly being totally absorbed in and mesmerised, for a full half an hour, by the now moving pictures on my living room walls, and after falling into a portrait photo of myself which I'd found on my camera from the night before), but yes, apart from that, I'd never really experienced a so-called 'acid trip;' never really been aware of, or in the know about what this drug does to you, where it takes you, where it could lead you. All I knew, or all I thought I knew, was that it was a drug that presumably, made you laugh a lot and feel really happy, and maybe bump into a pink elephant or two, bounce on a few hills like mr. soft, or fly on some giant butterflies you found at the bottom of your garden. 


I'd always said that acid would be the one and only drug (save heroin) that I would never, ever take. I had no idea that I would once again be offered this drug, twice more in the space of just four hours, and that I would say yes. I had no idea that at Shambala Festival, August 2012, would be the place where I would lose my mind..like, properly lose my mind. 

I should maybe try and piece the bits of it I lost together, before I forget what happened completely…

Angelene

Shackled by flames

Presence protrudes

and forgives

''Don't push me too far.''

Angelene

lives

in a far off fire,

woven in her heart

like a torch.

Petal breath in palm,

dipped deep in
 frog spawn rivers,

her nipples sweetly kissed

the fine rimmed surface.

Rippling

towards the edges 
of their hearts.

*

They moved fine on the swing,
that day,

until their heads became faint,

but Angelene knew nothing 

of the kisses they sent,

because they were never truly felt.

*

''As I send my love in masks,

use not your heads but your hearts.''

Real love 

ripples in the dark.

x

The Body Hums. (Part. 2)

Right now,
in the truth of unrest;
I am blessed.

Unthwarted, 
time and time and time again..

(And as the pages fell,
down, down, down, unto
the broken palms of hell...

Downward steps
solemnly reclaimed by
her very nature,

..to God, 
did she disdain.,
through God,
did she remain..)

Falling, falling, falling,

forever disarmed - 
never disarming.

Fuck. Fucked.
Existentially FUCKED.

*

I shiver
I ache
I burn.
I forsake here
who I ever was,
whatever I ever was.

(No turning back now)

No more chasing,
no more time wasting;
it is closer to you, than you think.

I Burn. I Burn.

I am Cursed. I am Cursed.

For, I am Woman.

*

Succumb to your senses;
honey suckle red, and
enveloping every circle.

What once had died
now lives inside,
the egg of the child;
the nest of the unborn.

Rooted. 

Diluted.

Call to me 
when you are ready.
Be still and centred
in your search;
in your truth.

It's making the first step that counts, 
that first, simple step,
and being open to the nature that lives inside you.

x

Bullets.

They said she liked mermaids, and that she skips

''with a rope in the living room.''

Ponytails, ponytails

rubble and rust.

Dancing with the Angels,

amongst bones, amongst blood.

Ashes,

pale, hung -

interwoven and weaving still..

''..she was shot in the wrist by a rubber bullet.''

(Never going back again though,

no.

Never going back again.)

Alone and pale

and nowhere to go,

'cos your already home, my Angel.

You are already home.

* 

But she's not afraid of the soldiers,

no.

Not afraid of the soldiers no more..

And yet,

she is still ''unwilling to admit her fears.''

___

How many bullets was it, that called for such salty tears?

She doesn't know,

'cos she's only nine years old.

Only nine years old.

For Love is as Strong as Death.

I miss him.
Yeah, I miss him.

I miss the way his body fit, 
so perfectly 
with mine.

I miss the way he used to 
hold me.

Yeah,
I miss him.

I miss him.

(And only I 
will ever know who
'Him' was 
and is.)

And only I
will ever know, 
truly know,
the love he gave me and
the intensity of the pain
he caused me;

of which we caused each other.

Only I will ever know,
in my own way - 
the true meaning of 'torn;'
of heartache, and of
the seriousness 
and of the 
consequences, our choices
created for us.

It was a 'catch 22;'
we couldn't live with each other,
but we couldn't face
the reality
of being without each other,
either.

I did the right thing,
in my own way,
by leaving.

But that doesn't stop
or change the fact that,
I miss him,
sometimes.

Yeah, 
sometimes, 
I miss him.

And that's ok.

*

I don't think we ever forget anyone
we have loved, and
I think that somehow 
and somewhere deep inside us,
that love still
lingers on, - 
in its own way -
and that's why it comes back,

sometimes,
to haunt us.

But we move on,
and we love again.


''For love,
is as strong as death.''


x

The Red Pool of Vacant Truths.

Thinking of the holiest sin;
where do I start?, where do I begin?

Come on then bitch..
let it begin...

*

Of the nights so cold, so cruel,
so torn,
in our youth.

Memories of comfort, seed
and rain.

I am as afraid of you
as you are of me,
dear women.

Friends or enemies - 
we are still the same; in search
of, and reliant on hope and
truth. 

''...but the stories of my life were
forbidden to me, and that silence
nearly killed the heart in me.''

*

To bind,
body, breath and 
mind.

*

Sometimes, meditating on something
isn't the answer, 
and it doesn't always help.

Sometimes, it is the stories
that need be told.

To be poured over 
and shared with those dear 
enough, and noble enough,
and brave enough,
to listen.

Stories of truth,
stories of thunder,
stories of toil and trouble and all
that lives under - neath.

(The Red Pool of Vacant Truths.)

*

Listen, and
be nourished.
Speak (from the heart) and
be cleansed; renewed; 
purified.

Cherish your Gold.

Not all of where we come from is 
a place of dust;
of ashes.
                 or so my Mother once told me...
                               (my many Mothers and those
                                                before me...).

Electrify pain and
reclaim 
your truth.

*

Angels forbare,
in the shadows of night time;
their past time -
their wings of undying flight,
and unrested suffering.

Ride it out - don't fight it.


''Don't fight it. Feel it.''


And then, I became
lost...

Too afraid;
blind, to all that
I was bound to become.

(Know your way, and do not run
away.)

*

A shield of light then unearthed me, -
removed me from the pain.

The pain of delusionised
lies.

She is far away now,
but always with me.

My Mother, 
my sun;

(The one who Knows.)

Just making my way back home,
far, far away from
all, that I have known.

The Body Hums. (part. 1)

Maybe Mary was raped?..


Oh bless'd undying,
stop your chasing,

(let her live)

for she is all forgiving; unbleached 
and rested in salt.


(Lost among the waves
and cradled in your name.)


'Carry me to heaven
where here, I shall serve
the Hands of God for all
eternity.'

My suffering became
my savior.

(And I am not afraid of anything,
anymore.)

But sometimes, I am not brave and
sometimes, I am afraid,

but I shall never be 
a slave to, nor conform
to any rules 
against the heart.

Tis true, I redeem to proclaim
absurdities, of this realm
and the next,

But wherever she resides, is
where I deem to be.

''I am you 
and you are me.''  

*

Let your mind take shape
upon the circles of water;
upon the belly's 
surface of the shore.

I want more.
I always want more...

Unsafe.

Unforgivable...

Unforgettable...

Untraceable...

Unimaginable...

Unthinkable...

Undo-able...

Unstoppable...

Unadultered...

Unfaultered...

Unaltered...

Un-awakening...

Unquestioning...

Unremarkable...

Unending...

Unarming...

Unassuming...

Unarmed...

(starving)

*

Barricaded...

Self-serving...

Self-sufficient...

...(free)... (?)...

*

Carried by traces 

of...

me ... (?)


WHO AM I............?

I AM...I FEEL...

UNSAFE

*

And even after all that had

taken place,

she still remembered, 

his beautiful face.

His beautiful, beautiful face.

''I would forgive anybody, anything,''

she said.

No time for,

no place for...

HATE.

(such a beautiful face -

such a beautiful, fucking face.)

x

The Sorrow of the Storm

Elephant fell down
upon murky ground,
electrified; stunned
by the human race - 
in all its stupidity,
and in all its grace.

Tortured remains
live; still,
upon her beautiful face.
Neither dignified, nor kind,
of the fact
that she was still alive.

Blood remains weak, yet
pungent,
decaying of all beliefs.

''I live strong within the ether,
gather me through all that you perceive.

I am here, I am still,
and my will, 
is all I have.''

*

Fragile hands, dig deep
within this land.


''There is nothing to be afraid of.''


x

Rights.

I state my rights, everyday.
I state my rights out of not acting.

Out of not partaking 
in things which, I feel
do not serve me well.

On things, that are unwholesome.

I state my rights, everyday,
by not spending my money/supporting unethical companies,
that destroy our planet, 
de-humanize our people, 
and that are both killing and destroying the health and lives of all living things on this planet.

I have never been one for attending protests, 
and I used to feel guilty about that.
I never attended because I felt I had no reason to,
and the thought of being in the middle of a vast amount of angry people, 
made me quite nervous.

I didn't realize back then - just a few years ago - 
when I saw huge groups of people attending mass protests 
that soon became violent and out of control, -
I didn't realize then, but now I realize that 
I was making a protest of my own, 
(along with many others, I'm sure)
by simply not acting.

My protest instead was (and still is) living a simple life,
by supporting local shops and communities,
by changing my diet, caring for myself,
and living a simple yet wholesome life.

Becoming aware and awake as to what is happening in the world around me, and how the choices I make (big or small) effect the whole.

*

''Those who say do not know, and those who know do not say.''

We don't always have to be loud or angry or violent to achieve change.
Nor should we feel that we have to attend mass political protests 
in order to believe that we are making a change, or doing something ''good.''

Change is something that just cannot be achieved.

Change is something that just happens, naturally,
and the more we try to control and achieve change, the more we destroy it.

The change is already inside us, we just have to learn to let go and to trust.

Sometimes just being silent and not acting
can be just as powerful as raising one's voice as to be heard.


Silence Speaks.         *        Stillness lives.


''Be the change you wish to see in the world.''


Peace.

x

Life.

' ''Why should I ask God to make me good when I want to be naughty? '' 
                                    asked the little girl.''

And all the wise men of the world were put to silence...

'We are lost,
we are fragile
and we are afraid.

We are tame, yet we are noble all the same;
afraid of loss and change.

We cling, we resist,
we control and we lose hope.'

Life is not something we can cage, it never has been and it never will be.
Yet this has been man's goal ever since he came upon existence.

''She can't breathe.
If She can't breathe, We can't breathe.''

WAKE UP. WAKE UP.

Release.

Surrender to the beautiful life force that lives both inside and around you.

Life is simple; hard, but simple, we don't need to complicate things.

Rules are but barriers,
they can guide us,
but we shouldn't need to live by them.

Sometimes we are good, and sometimes we are bad,
and sometimes..''human being is a piece of shit.''

But there is always room for change,
always room for forgiveness,
and it is freedom of which awaits us.

*

'And she remained fragile, all the same.
Fragile, yet strong,
as she surrendered to the beautiful life force that lives
both inside and around her.'

(And even to death did she surrender.)

Does nothing last forever?

Wires.

In the heat of the sun,
a newborn baby cries; screams,

haunts, the tearing of my skin,
into a new life.

I begin again..

___


But they still torture me at night; my dreams, my desires, my longings, my losses, my 'all that could have beens.' But somehow, I manage to sleep. Somehow, thankfully, I manage to sleep now. I manage to live with those things, and I manage to see reality for all that it is, for what it truly is, and I carry on, I soldier on. I carry on, not because I have to, but because I want to.

It is something hidden deep within me that carries me. That carries my bones, my blood, my broken, bloodied beauty. All real, all compact. All tortured, miscarried events of my life that run through me, every day, conscious, unconscious, uncompromising.

All and everything.

''..and after a while you feel that you're all bone, hard and desiccated, like a skeleton in a classroom.''

And we imagined the taste of one another to be different, didn't we?

A new born baby cries; screams,

haunts, the tearing of her skin,

into a new life.

She begins again...