By the River of the not-beautiful

''..the beautiful appears ugly in order to test someone's character.''

Yesterday was a beautifully transforming day for me,

 a building up of mountainous ants is gradually being set free.

 I had another music session with my musical friend Javi. I'd practised a little in my room beforehand, having an idea of what sort of melodies I'd like to play. 

I've played with Javi only a couple of times before, but each time has been great. The room is so peaceful, of colours of pastel greens and browns, and it holds a beautiful view from the window that looks out onto a gorgeous green garden, and the recording set up is amazing.

We sat with peppermint teas and he asked what I'd like to do. 

I sat at the keyboard and suggested that I just start playing a melody.

And so he picked up his guitar and waited for me to play.

I felt a little nervous, as always, but then soon relaxed as I started playing.

I played the melody I'd played at home just before, a melody of a song I wrote called 'By the River.'

I wrote the song over a year ago now, at a time when I was quite unwell.

It's a song about healing and cleansing, the lyrics of which are..

By the River, they cried.

By the River, they died..

and I sing harmonies in between.

When I wrote (and when I sing) this song, I envision myself in a clean, white dress, walking down towards the River, and I sit by the River, just watching if flow by.* I don't cry, nor do I see myself crying, and I don't die, nor do I see myself dying, but I know that this is what I am there to do; washing away my hurt and my pain, down by the River.

'What would cause such a tear to come forth?'

Before I told Javi what the song meant to me/where it came from, we played together and he added in a beautiful melody from his guitar and he also sang these words..

''Don't be afraid. Just let yourself go. 

Don't be afraid to explore yourself. Don't be afraid to feel.''

It was really beautiful, I felt as if he were speaking to me as he sang these words. They were really touching me, and I was listening, and we played together very beautifully.

Afterwards Javi asked me what the song was about and I told him. He then said that he didn't know where the words he sang came from, that they just came out in the moment of playing. 
I remember when we first met, Javi said that he absorbs people's energy and when playing musically together he can be singing about something that reflects on the other person's feelings. 
That was what had just happened, and I think he must have realised this, then he asked me if the words he sang related to me in any way, and I said that they did, very much so.

We played back the song we'd recorded and I felt myself choking up when listening to it. To hear my words singing back to me along with Javi's was deeply moving and I was almost brought to tears, tears I haven't cried for a while, but I held them back as I didn't want to cry in front of Javi.

In writing this, I've stumbled upon something I did not realise before..

* 'I sit by the River, just watching it flow by.'

Does this symbolize myself watching the flow of the River - the flow of life - and not wanting to take part?

Maybe that's a good thing..and maybe not.

But maybe now I should be in the River - drowning in the River - actually letting die what must die.

My clean dress to become dirty and soddened with soil.

I must reach the bottom of this River and see what's underneath.

There is a part of me that is still yet unexplored, a part of me that I so long to express and give recognition to, but to whom I shun, way too much. I shun her because I am afraid of her power. I fear her because she is as yet unknown; I have yet to meet her.

She is the dark but beautifully transforming Goddess that every woman holds deep within her bones, and I know now that I must let her out. I need to let her out. We need to let her out.

I think I'm just about due to meet my dark Goddess. And I am ready to be beautiful now.

I am ready to discover my true beauty.

Bones and teeth and blood and all.

''Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful.''

You are never truly beautiful until you face you're darkest fears, for that is where she is buried, the 'not-beautiful' curling tongued Goddess. She is the one who holds your magic; your gold; the magic of transformation, and if we want it; if we are bold enough and brave enough to go in search of this gold, then we must be bold enough and brave enough to meet this curling tongued creature of the femme, and ask for what is truly ours.

But we also have work to do in order to receive our gold, lots of sorting, and lots of clearing, and this work isn't easy, and it is not meant to be easy, for whatever in this world that is easy is actually worth it?

This darkened creature of the femme makes us work, to uncover our true potential. 

Within her world we learn to sort the gold from the sand, 
and we learn to truly understand, 
what it is that we truly want.

..of our tears unshed, we wake the dead.

I am still due my tears, 

but my nails are buried deep,

deep within the sands of this ever unending darkened River's bed.

I'm sorting the gold from the sand.

I am now ready to understand.